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I might be a bad mom

BY SANDE SNEAD

SOCR30BAfter doing my duty as a “Good Mom” and duly trucking out to yet another soccer field to take pictures of my daughter as she received First Team, All-District honors in soccer, I jumped into my mid-life crisis mobile (red convertible Mini Coop) and took off. It was only as I heard paper flapping in the back seat and saw said award about to slip out onto I-288 that I could hear Jeff Foxworthy’s voice in my head saying, “If your daughter, who’s been playing soccer since she was 5 years old, finally wins an honor that she never dreamed of achieving in the sport, and you LOSE the award on the way home, you MIGHT be a bad mom.”

O.K., I’m not really a horrible mom. It’s just that I’m the opposite of the so-called helicopter parents who hover over their children making sure their homework is done and even that they’ve submitted their applications to college.

Honestly, I am a single parent who works full time at an advertising agency and freelances on the side. I serve on a few boards and even do volunteer work. I’m training for a half marathon and I have a very lively social life. So I ask you, who has time to check their child’s homework?

I’ll never forget that when my oldest, Brittany, was in the third or fourth grade, one of my neighbors called to ask me about what their homework was for the next day. I had no idea.

Dr. John Rosemond, a psychologist and nationally syndicated columnist, is one of my child-raising heroes. He said, “It’s human nature to pawn responsibility off on other people, so the more you do for a child that the child can do for himself, the greater chance you have that the child will act irresponsibly.”

While having lunch with my co-worker, Tamara Neale, I confessed that I had the wrong date on my calendar when Nicole received the “Student of the Year” award. She had “bad mom” stories of her own, like the time she missed her son’s play or didn’t even know he was being honored at an awards ceremony.

As working mothers, I feel like we are torn in several different directions at all times. Neale agreed saying, “More is expected out of women in general. Most women work but also manage the bulk of the household including taking care of the kids. You just can’t be there after school every day at 2:30. But I think your children become acclimated to it and become more responsible.”
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But even when I was a stay at home mom when the girls were little, I taught them to fend for themselves pretty much from the time they could read. When they told me about some new activity they wanted to try, I tossed the burden of responsibility right back to them. Brittany once told me she wanted to take belly dancing lessons. I told her to look it up in the phone book. This strategy was designed to discourage more work for me. But the next thing I knew, she and I were doing belly rolls and hip drops.

And so, in August, Nicole goes off to the University of California at Berkeley, more than 3,000 miles away. My little bird who learned to fly at such a young age is going about as far away from the nest as she can get. But I know that she is fully equipped with important life skills that will see her through.

And I’m here to tell you that this empty nest thing is overrated. Being a mother is the most rewarding and wonderful experience of my entire life. While I have not had the time to micromanage my children, I have had the time to get to know them and to fully appreciate the amazingly accomplished and successful young women they have already become.

One of things my father used to say about my sisters and me was, “I will not take credit for your successes, nor blame for your failures.”

I always thought this was a wise Mark Twainish-kind of thing to say. So you could have knocked me over when Nicole said in her graduation speech, “My last piece of advice must be credited to my mother who taught me absolutely everything I know…”

Doggone it all. I’m taking credit for these two.

This was published in the In My Shoes column of the Richmond Times-Dispatch four years ago.

Our Man of the Year

IMG_6612BY SANDE SNEAD

When my brother-in-law, Kevin Shimp, was nominated this year for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s 2011 Virginia Chapter Man of the Year, it had special meaning for my family.

About three years ago, my father, Billy Snead, was diagnosed with leukemia.

Leukemia is a cancer that develops when blood cells produced in the bone marrow grow out of control.

My father spent about 30 days at VCU Medical Center, then underwent more treatments, shots, pills and chemotherapy than any human being should have to endure. At times, he seemed to be nearly at death’s door between lost weight, appetite and interest in living.

However, after months of superior medical care and love, support and prayers of friends and family, especially my mother, he was in remission.
Despite this near-miracle, Kevin was a reluctant candidate for Man of the Year. The registered nurse at VCU Health Systems is clinical coordinator of the in-patient bone marrow transplant unit, is a full-time master’s degree candidate at the University of Virginia and father to two busy teens. He hardly had the time to take on a nearly full-time fundraising job to vie for the title of Man of the Year.

But it’s a cause he believes in, so he took up the challenge.

The two candidates who raise the most money are awarded the title of the Virginia Chapter’s Man and Woman of the Year. They raise money for blood cancer research in honor of local young people who are blood cancer survivors, the Young Man and Young Lady of the Year.
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Kevin held benefit nights at local restaurants and at The Byrd Theatre, asked for auction items and solicited corporate sponsorships as well as donations from friends and family.

Tragically, in the midst of the 10-week fundraising campaign, his father, John Shimp, died of complications due to diabetes. Grief-stricken Kevin packed up his family and headed to New Jersey to help his devastated mother deal with the loss of the man she had been married to for 47 years.

After spending a week in his hometown of Piles Grove, N.J., helping with funeral arrangements and notifying family and friends, Kevin came back to Richmond for yet another fundraiser just two days after burying his father.

When Kevin learned he had won the title on May 13, his heartfelt speech mentioned how a co-worker responded to his first email request for support within seconds. When he said that the first family member who responded was his father, there weren’t too many dry eyes in the house.

When he added that we also had found out during the campaign that my father’s leukemia is no longer in remission, even he couldn’t help but shed a tear.

It’s tough to be the brother-in-law in a family with three strong (and strong-willed) sisters, and while we have all always admired his drive, determination and work ethic, I dare say we have a new found respect for this most remarkable Man of the Year.

Sande Snead can be reached at sandesnead@hotmail.com.

This was published in the Richmond Times-Dispatch In My Shoes column July 11, 2011. After my brother-in-law was named Man of the Year for the Virginia Chapter of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, I ran for and won Woman of the Year in 2012. My sister, Jill Shimp, his wife, was named 2013 Woman of the Year. In fact, she has until the end of June to continue to raise money and get to $50,000 to name a research grant after our father, Billy Snead, who had leukemia and died May 6, 2012. She is very close. You can go here to donate: http://www.mwoy.org/pages/va/va13/jillsneadshimp

Lectern Lecture

Public speaking is not a sexy topic, but the one-to-many platform has been used since the time of Julius Caesar and it’s an important communication skill to have. Almost as important as finessing the skill of crafting and delivering an effective speech or presentation, however, is knowing proper etiquette at the lectern or podium.

RTD Photographer Bob Brown took this picture of me with the venerable Roger Mudd.

Richmond Times-Dispatch photographer Bob Brown took this picture of me with the venerable Roger Mudd.

And before we go any further, allow me to clarify the difference between a lectern and podium. A lectern is an upright desk or stand with a slanted top used to hold text at the right height for a lecturer. A podium is an elevated platform for an orchestra conductor or speaker. Podium comes from the word podiatry, care of the feet, so you might remember that a podium is a platform where you put your feet.

But I digress.

I’m blogging about this topic because I attended two awards events honoring communications professionals at the very height of their careers and I was shocked to see that many of these seasoned men and women were not familiar with lectern etiquette.
One such event was the Virginia Communications Hall of Fame, for which the emcee was Roger Mudd, the nationally known and well-respected television journalist and broadcaster, most recently the primary anchor for The History Channel. The 84-year-oldMudd knew exactly how to handle himself on the podium and at the lectern, but some of the people being honored did not. (Granted, I did not receive a Hall of Fame Award, but I am not bitter.)

Mudd gave an interesting biographical sketch of each award recipient hitting the high marks and adding personal observations without reading entire resumes. When the award recipient came up on the stage, Mudd looked the person in the eye, shook his or her hand, handed over the award and took a photo.

Award recipients were not as consistent. I would not be bringing this up, but I saw the same behavior just a few weeks later at another star-studded event.

Here are five steps that will make you look like a pro not only when you deliver your well-rehearsed acceptance speech, but when you greet the emcee and receive your award as well.

  • Walk up to the lectern and first acknowledge the emcee with a smile and a handshake.
  • If you are receiving an honor, you shake hands first and wait for the presenter to hand the award to you.
  • Pause with the handshake and the award for a photo op.
  • When the emcee turns the lectern over to you, thank the emcee, shake hands, and deliver your speech.
  • When finished, wait for the applause, signal the emcee with a nod that you are done, shake hands again and exit. Proper protocol demands that you never leave the lectern unattended.

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If you are interested in improving your public speaking, presentation and award-receiving skills, Toastmasters is a wonderful organization that will give you plenty of opportunities to practice. When you do finally earn your “lifetime achievement” award, you will look like you have a lifetime of on-stage etiquette and good common sense manners towards your fellow man to boot.

And to Roger Mudd, who I was fortunate enough to meet at the event, I promise to look you in the eye, shake your hand and never leave the lectern unattended should I ever reach the Hall of Fame.